After exiting the school, I saw one of my best friends from elementary school talking with people I didn't know, they were waiting for the bus, they probably didn't remembered me but I was still scared they would recognize me,
I just walked home today.
When I got home I felt relieved to not see his car parked in the driveway, finally some time alone.
I entered my house and locked the door behind me like I always did, looked for a pen and a piece of paper in my bag before dropping it on the ground, sat in front of my desk and then I got stuck.
I couldn't find the right words, multiple times did I think to myself "Whatever, I just won't write one", but I still felt like I just couldn't do that.
Eventually I finished it, it was messy, confusing and there were eraser marks all over it, it felt natural at least, I was happy with it.
I put the note in my pocket before heading to the garage. I found a thin long rope and then tied it in a noose and left for my backyard.
My backyard was surrounded by thick tall cement walls, so my neighboors wouldn't be able to see me, not like they would care, I don't think i've ever talked to them in my life.
I climbed up the cherry tree, sat on the thickest branch, tied the end of the rope to it and then put the noose around my neck, my heartbeat was getting faster, I sat there and looked down before starting to cry.
Did I deserve this? I'm not a bad kid, I never hurt anyone on purpose, I never wished harm on anyone so why me?
There's no reason why.
It's just how it is but I wanted to think like there was a reason for it all, like maybe God was just toying with me or I was an awful person in my past life, I never even believed in God.
I closed my eyes, 1..2..3......4..5..6.....
No. No no no what am I doing what the fuck am i doing i cant do it no i fucking cant i cant
I removed the noose from my neck and started crying even harder. "Maybe tommorow will be a better day". I untied the rope, left it where I found it, burnt the note I left in my pocket and went to bed.
I was still shaking, the tears on my cheeks dried and I couldn't cry more even if I wanted to. I was exhausted.
So yeah. Today was really boring.